I would like to take a moment to talk about OKCupid. I just received a notification that one of these nine men (let’s call them the Broody Bunch) “chose” me, which means he gave me a 4 or 5 star rating in Quickmatch. I really don’t know how this could have happened.

When I see a man, even a man in aviators, pensively stroking his chin, I can only presume that he considers things carefully before he acts. That leads me to believe that he actually would have taken the time to read my profile and notice how, in the second paragraph, I mention that I’m married (to someone I met on OKCupid, no less!) and therefore not interested in attention of a romantic variety. So those four guys are out, but if I was playing tic-tac-toe, I could totally win with the chin-strokers.

Second row boy with the furrowed brow also gives off an aura of studious sensitivity, so I’m ruling him out. Now, which of the remaining four seems most apt, based on the profile photo he chose to represent himself to the date-seeking world, to ignore the fact that I clearly stated I am not interested in the matchmaking aspect of OKCupid and am really just there to meet interesting girls with whom to hang out?

Top row in the blue polo certainly projects an attitude of not giving a fuck. He’s on my shortlist. Dimples one row down and the smiler in the bottom middle both look far too guileless, but lower left seems to be plotting something. So which is it, friends—Mr. Leaning Back In a Chair Look At All the Fucks I Don’t Give About Reading Your Profile, or Mr. Figuring Out A Way to Blow Up This Minivan?

Also, maybe I would play this game for real (I’m supposed to rate these people back and they’ll tell me when I find the one that “chose” me) if OKCupid actually noticed the fact that I’m bisexual and showed me some women now and then. Why bother giving the option to list yourself as bi if they’re just going to be endlessly heteronormative?